I just want to start this blog by saying that I have no judgment towards the way Mum's choose to feed their babies. If you can exclusively breastfeed, you go Glen Coco! If you do formula from day one, you go girl! Wear those normal bras! It's none of my business. But for me, the Mum Guilt was real on this one, and just in case anyone else is struggling with the same thing as me and needs to not feel alone, I've written about my journey to mixed feeding. Just as I don't judge other Mum's, I would love if anyone could refrain for judgment or advice on this one please, as I am now very happy with my decision, as is Mia.
Before I had a baby, I always knew I would probably breastfeed. My Mum has 8 kids, and I grew up watching her breastfeed her babies. But, it was also totally normal for Mum to give her babies a formula bottle on occasion too. Having seen babies fed from both boob and bottle, I always said, "I'd like to breastfeed one day, but if it doesn't work out, I'm totally fine with doing formula." I had heard of Mum's getting upset when breastfeeding didn't work for them, and I didn't want to put any pressure on myself. But then I got pregnant, and the Mother's instinct kicked in. I knew that I really wanted to breastfeed. Not just because I should, or because I had grown up watching my mum breastfeed, but because i really WANTED to feed my baby.
When Mia was born, I was wearing a hospital gown that came up too high on my chest, so I couldn't get her to latch on straight away. I had planned ahead and worn a low cut singlet, but the way my delivery unfolded meant I was changed into the gown. As the end of my delivery approached, i kept trying to undo and pull down the gown, so that my chest would be bare for her to be put onto. Everyone in the delivery room thought I was just hot, but I just had an overwhelming urge to be able to feed my baby straight away. She was crying, and all i wanted was to feed her. I know most people probably love the sound of those first cries, but all i wanted was to soothe her and feed her. The delivery had been quite traumatic for her (I assume) and my Mummy instinct told me what she needed. After a few minutes, someone helped me to get her onto my skin, and she latched straight away. She was so happy, and so was I. From that moment, breastfeeding just worked for us. I assume it was because Mia was 4.1kg and a hungry girl, but she just came out with a big appetite and knowing exactly how to feed. Every time someone would ask how I was coping with feeding, I would tell them how easy I was finding it, and how lucky I felt, because I knew that most women don't find it easy at all. I had expected it to be hard at first, to be sore, and to have to persist through the difficult period before it became enjoyable, but we were so lucky that it just worked.
I had a great supply. At first Mia fed hourly, but within a week or so she got herself into a nice little pattern of feeding every 3-4 hours. I never timed her though, and fed on demand. Any time she wanted it, she got it. She grew nicely, always impressing the health nurse at each check. She was strong! She held her head up during tummy time from the time she was one day old, she rolled over at 8 weeks (but got lazy and stopped doing it not long after). I felt so proud that my milk was doing this, that i was helping her grow so big and strong.
I can't remember exactly when it started, but at some point I started to lose that 'full' feeling in my boobs. I also started to not get much milk when i would pump between feeds. I slowly went from having a freezer overflowing with expressed milk, to only being able to pump first thing in the morning. Now, these things can be totally normal, and a sign that your milk is just 'settling down'. I'm told it's completely fine to not feel 'engorged' anymore after awhile, so if you are experiencing this, it doesn't necessarily mean your baby isn't getting enough milk, this is just what I noticed in my own body. My Mum reassured me that as long as Mia was having lots of wet nappies and was still happy, that my milk supply was fine. And for awhile, all was well. But slowly the situation got worse. As I mentioned before, Mia was demand fed, but usually wanted to feed around every 3-4 hours. Well this started to increase to every 1-2 hours, and the feeds got longer. At first I figured she was probably having a growth spurt, and I just fed more often to accomodate for this. As time went on, she stopped napping, she fed almost constantly and she never seemed satisfied. Many times, I knew she had already emptied both sides, and was not getting any more out. She was upset and hungry, and I felt like I was failing as her Mum. I was thankful for my freezer stash, and would give her a bottle to make sure she didn't go hungry. When she would have a bottle of expressed milk, she was so happy, and she would actually have a nap! Although it was frustrating having a baby who wouldn't nap, I wasn't giving her bottles for that purpose. I was giving her extra milk to fill her up, and the nap was a happy side effect.
During this time, I tried many things to increase my supply, including lactation cookies, regularly pumping, feeding Mia pretty much non-stop some days, trying to eat enough (this is probably an area I struggled with a bit- it's hard to find time to eat a huge amount with a clingy, hungry, non-napping baby) and I drink 3-4 litres of water every day. Nothing helped. One day, i had completely run out of expressed milk in the freezer. I was empty, the freezer was empty, and my baby was hungry. When I was pregnant, my Mum had bought me some stick packs of formula to keep in the cupboard just in case I had any issues or wanted to supplement. I made her a bottle of formula, and I've never seen her so happy! She smiled so much, it was like she was thanking me for filling up her tummy, and telling me she didn't mind that it wasn't Mummy's milk. At this time, i posted on Instagram about giving Mia the formula, but also asking for any tips on increasing milk supply. The response I got was very encouraging! Every wonderful Mummy who commented reassured me that I wasn't alone, that they had felt this way before and that I was doing a great job. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I still felt guilty.
Over the course of my pregnancy and early days with Mia, Terry and I had discussed feeding and the possibility of formula if it was needed. We both agreed that if she was hungry, we wouldn't just leave her to go hungry. 'Fed is best', as they say. Terry was always very encouraging any time I brought up the possibility of mixed feeding, he knew how hard i was trying to feed her, and he could tell how frustrated Mia and I both were. But as reality crept in, and my milk supply dropped, I found myself really attached to the 'exclusively breastfed' title. I clung onto every time someone told me, "Your body knows what it's doing, your milk supply is fine!" I wanted that to be true.
I booked in to see the health nurse for an extra weigh in, just to be sure that she was growing well and that I was doing the right thing. In the lead up to this appointment, I continued to exclusively breastfeed, and I pretty much thought I would see the health nurse, and she would tell me everything was fine, and to just keep doing what I was doing. The day before our appointment, I went to a mothers group. As i looked around, I realised Mia was one of the smallest babies there. Now, if she had always been small, or had I not had doubts about my milk supply, I probably wouldn't have given this a second thought. But considering I had started out with a big, healthy, chubby baby, it just didn't seem right for her to now be the smallest of a group. So, the next morning we went to the health nurse. I popped Mia on the scale, and sure enough, she was only 6kg! In her 4 and a half months of life, she has gained less than 2kg. When Mia was born, she was considered a large baby, and at all checks after that, she was always a bit above average. At this appointment, i discovered Mia is now in the 24th percentile, so she is now quite small for her age. This confirmed everything for me- my instinct was right. After a chat with the health nurse, I made the decision that I would start giving Mia a couple of formula bottles a day. The nurse said to me, "Usually we already know the answer in our head, but sometimes we just need someone else to tell us that its ok." This appointment was like a lightbulb moment for me. The guilt is gone, the worrying is gone (until the next parenting moment that will no doubt pop up and give me another reason to feel guilty or worried- #mumlife, right?)and the instinct and urge to feed my baby has now changed. Now, instead of worrying about feeding my baby the 'right' way, my instincts just tell me to FEED her! Help her grow! YES girl, buy that formula!
We are only at the beginning of our new mixed feeding journey, but so far so good. We are still enjoying the breastfeeds, but we are also enjoying the formula feeds. Mia and I have a great bond, and i know she doesn't care about where her milk is coming from, she loves me regardless. She has been napping, and her mood has improved so much already. She is so happy and energetic when she's awake, rather than just looking to be fed constantly. We have more time to play and enjoy each other's company, and i can sleep well knowing she is getting what she needs. I am pumping each time i give her a formula bottle, and a couple of extra times a day to try and maintain the supply I do have, and I hope that we will still be able to continue our breastfeeding journey (with a little help from formula!) for as long as we both want to.
I want to end this blog by saying a couple of things. First, trust your instincts! You know your baby better than anyone else. And second, please don't feel guilty. For any of the choices you make as a parent. As long as you have your child's best interest at heart, you are doing just fine.
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