Is it REALLY that hard?

Before I had a baby, I had a fair bit of experience with babies and children. I was under no illusion that this cute little babe would pop out and it would all be sunshine and cuddles. I knew it was going to be a lot of work. But as I approached my ‘child bearing years’ I remember hearing and reading a lot about how ‘hard’ it is, and thinking, “Is it really THAT hard?” “Is it really the ‘HARDEST JOB IN THE WORLD’?!” And I wondered, if it’s as hard as they say, is it true that one smile makes it all worth it?

So, I thought I’d share my perspective on this now that I am a mother. For any other pre baby women who are wondering, is it that hard? And if it’s so hard, is it really worth it? Keep in mind I have only been a mother for 5 months. I am a Mum in a great relationship with my daughter’s Dad, we have a home, financial stability, supportive families and we were ready to have a baby. So my challenges are not the same as a lot of women’s challenges. There are women who have it a LOT harder than me, but I can only share my experience.


Since Mia was born, I’ve had a few friends without children ask if having a baby is hard. Is she a lot of work? The way that I describe it is this- it is ‘hard’ and it’s a lot of ‘work’. But it’s not just hard BECAUSE of the amount of work it takes. Sure, there are a lot more jobs to do when you’ve got a tiny, loud person depending on you for everything. So many nappies to change, bottles to wash and sterilize, oh and the washing! So.much.washing! They rely on you for EVERYTHING. Think of everything that you do and need in a day. Now picture getting someone else to do all of that for you, while you just lay there. (That sounds pretty good, actually…) And the sleep deprivation is worse than you probably think. It’s not just that you’re tired, it’s that your body actually keeps trying to go to sleep, and you have to fight that urge and somehow stay awake to care for the baby. It takes some getting used to. When your baby is awake, you want to be present with them. You play and read and teach, you feed and kiss and love on them all day. And when (if!) they sleep, there is still so much to do. Breaks are very rare. So that’s the work. (I’ve probably simplified the ‘work’ part of this story, but I’m sure you’ve heard it over and over- babies are a lot of work.)

And then there is the HARD. It’s not hard in the way I expected it to be. Yes, there is a lot to do, just as I expected. But it’s hard in a way I didn’t expect. It’s emotionally and mentally very challenging. I was very much ready to be a mother, and I felt completely natural when people started referring to me as Mia’s Mum right after she was born. But being called Mum and actually becoming a Mum are very different things. I have literally become a different person now. I will probably be writing a different post on the ways I have changed since becoming a Mother, but for now I will just say- I have changed. To the outside world, it’s probably not obvious (except that Mia is pretty much all I talk or post about now- sorry not sorry), but something inside me shifted and I’ll never be the same person I was. Five months on, I love this. I don’t want to be ‘the old Jess’, but at the beginning, that was hard to wrap my head around. There is an emotional and mental shift from woman to mother, and that was something I didn’t know about or expect before it happened to me. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that shift, it’s just a little bit emotionally draining to begin with. Another big challenge is having someone rely on you 100%. That is physically demanding, but the struggle for me is that it is mentally draining. Some days I just want to have a fucking shower and eat some bloody lunch when I need to, not when someone else lets me! Being selfless takes some getting used to. Not to say that I was a selfish person before, but I certainly ate, drank, toileted and brushed my hair when I felt necessary, not when I had finished caring for someone else first. (Obviously at work you can’t always do these things the minute you want to, but at least you get to then go home and be selfish for a few hours after work.)

I’m lucky to have a wonderful partner and father to Mia who helps out SO much, but he can’t be Mum. I’m sure if I for some reason wasn’t here, he would absolutely step up and fill that role, but I am here, and I’m her Mum. Now at 5 months old, Mia is obsessed with her Dad! But in the newborn days, it took time for her to learn that Dad was also someone who could provide for her and fill her needs. As a newborn baby who had spent her whole life in my belly, she just wanted Mum most of the time. I thought that would make me feel special, and sometimes it did. But sometimes it was really overwhelming! Terry tried to help, but there was only so much he could do when Mia just wanted to be in my arms. And if you’re breastfeeding, and you’ve got a newborn who needs to be fed a LOT, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for other people to give you a break. Terry would take Mia while I tried to get some sleep, but she knew I wasn’t in the room anymore and she was not ok with that! Eventually she learned to take a bottle of expressed milk, but by then I was used to being tired and didn’t worry about trying to catch up on sleep anymore.

And then there is the worry! Oh god, do we worry about our little babes! Is that normal, why is she crying, should we take her to the doctor? Does the doctor think I’m a dickhead because I’ve been in there so many times? Is she happy? Am I doing this right? Is that nappy rash my fault, did I leave her nappy on for too long? Does she even love me? Being responsible for a life is really scary! And this won’t ever stop, from what I hear. Apparently we always worry about our children, no matter how old they get. I love this quote- “Mothers don’t sleep, they just worry with their eyes closed.”

Please know that this is not me complaining, I know how very lucky I am to be a Mother, and I don’t take that for granted for a single second. But I do believe that it’s important to talk about the struggles. Please, if you are pregnant, don’t spend the time worrying about what is to come, just enjoy your pregnancy. But just know that it may be really hard at first to make that internal shift from woman to mother. And some days, you may find yourself for a split second wishing for 5 minutes of your old life back. And you are not alone. It’s ok to say it’s hard. I used to find it difficult to admit when I was struggling. I wanted to be a Mum. This was my choice, and I should just shutup and get on with it. But that’s not right. It’s ok to say you need help, its ok to say you are tired and its ok to not love every single second of it! I could go on and on about why and how motherhood is challenging, but as much as anyone tells you, you honestly can’t fully grasp it until you are there yourself.

So, the big question- IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? YES! 100 million times yes!!! It is literally the best thing I have ever done in my life and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The thing about motherhood, is that you have hard moments most days, and you have beautiful moments most days. And it is absolutely true that the beautiful moments far outweigh the shitty ones. On one of my hardest days as a mother, Mia wouldn’t be put down. She cried and cried unless she was on me. We had multiple changes of clothing due to the various bodily fluids that babies like to share with everyone. It happened to be a day where I was tired, and hungry and my mood wasn’t the best either. So we weren’t the greatest team that day. I said several times, “This is the WORST day!!” I couldn’t wait for Terry to get home from work to give me a break. And then she laughed. It was her first laugh ever! In the middle of one of my worst days, I had one single moment that made me want to cry because I was SO happy. And then she fell asleep cuddling me… and she did a wee all over both of us. And I actually just kept letting her sleep while we were both covered in wee because I was so fucking happy. I soaked in every second of that sweet, piss covered snuggle. I’m always so aware that nothing lasts forever. It’s exhausting having someone need me constantly, but one day no one will need anymore, and that will be a very sad day. I absolutely, whole heartedly love being a mother and I would absolutely recommend it to anyone who is considering it. But don’t rush- enjoy your selfish years until you are ready. It’s amazing, but it’s life changing and not something to jump into lightly.

So yes, it’s hard. But yes, it is more than worth it. It’s challenging every day. But it’s also amazing every single day. A baby can cry and then laugh all within 5 seconds and Mummy can too.